Ok…

 I haven’t been here for a hot minute. I haven’t been doing my YouTube channel, I’ve been really concentrating on self care and getting through the holidays in a peaceful and healthy manner. 

The YM was not involved in our holidays this year. We chose that. Well, I’m not sure what she would have chosen for Christmas but we made the decision for us. She has taken on some of her sister’s personality traits and it’s not a healthy environment for me to be in. 

I’m not sure that I’ve ever spoken about this here, that amnesia stuff is REALLY helping me to not only pack things away but to unpack other things in a healthier way by seeing things from a distance rather than like I’m back in that situation…. Anyway, the last conversation I had, well, the last telephone conversation I had with Madison she was yelling at me in such a manner that I actually said “ Mom! Stop!” And that’s when I knew knew knew that I couldn’t be around her. When I told my therapist she GASPED and immediately wanted me to go to stay at a ranch, you know what I mean, but I just shut down. I inverted into myself, started going to a spa, started writing and painting and keeping my AirPods in to block out noises and voices and really dug down deep to grab ahold of those bootstraps. 

We haven’t spoken to the two oldest in was has turned into years and now that I know my granddaughter ( she was born to Madison’s husband’s ex while they were first dating. She’s been mine as much as any of my grandkids) has no memories of us it makes the separation so much easier because I know she’s not feeling abandoned. 

Anyway, this time we got the jump on it and I won’t let YM crack me, which as you all know is the most difficult of all because she was the warm breeze to me. 

We had a great Christmas. I kept the boxes in my brain and heart shut. I was present and enjoying the time the way it was THIS year and appreciating the many blessing that I do have in my life. I do not mind saying that I am so very proud of me and how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown. I.am.a.warrior. 

Speaking of that! I looked up what my Tartan colors are, turns out that I’m not mostly Irish, I’m some 78% SCOTTISH! Plus Irish plus English from Robb’s hometown! Plus my Creole. But damn near all Scottish which fits, right? Warrior Clans! ( Even my name means warrior!) Anyway my Tartan comes from a clan whose motto is “ Either Peace Or War” and I fucking love it!!! I can do both with the same bravery and intensity, you decide which you choose and I’ll meet you there for either one.  So fucking cool! Scotland’s motto is “ Nemo me impune lacessit” which means “No one assaults me with impunity” or in modern times “Fuck around and find out” God, I love that. I want the Latin version ( the first I showed) tattooed on me. First, I LOVE Latin and second, I want to read that every single day. 

For a bear…

My New Years wishes:

That your heart heals and holds your mother deeply.

That you have someone who snuggles into your neck taking in your scent 

That you find the bravery to make tough choices and with that comes inner peace.

That you feel a warm breeze and feel love from afar.

That you are humble and grateful

That you love yourself

That you feel finger tips gently drawn across your body 

That you have deep connections 

That you remember.

Tracy

Is There a Bear Here?

 Bear, are you still here? Can you put a pic on Instagram if you are?

For everyone else, I’m slacking in the posting area. Finally started my iv iron…. I’m going to bitch about American healthcare for a second…. For five infusions, without insurance, the cost is $6,500!!! And I need FOURTEEN infusions!! That’s cause to $20,000!! How on earth could someone do that? They just die? Fuck em! For profit medical care is some fucking bullshit!! 

Anyway….. we are full swing Christmas mode here and I’m thisclose to being done with gift shopping. We are going to the Cheesecake Factory on Christmas Eve night and to the Gaylord Texan for dinner Christmas night. The YM will not be with us. She declined for thanksgiving but said maybe for Christmas ( gifts, see how that works?) and my husband told her No Thanks. I don’t really want to dig into it right now but….. Ya. It’s… no words, actually.

But!!! We are going to have a great Christmas and my husband has the entire week after off so that will be nice!

Just wanted to jump on here real quick, ask that question and see how things are.

Silent Night,

Tracy

Catching up…

 I’m a fucking train wreck at the moment. My ferritin level is at a one and my hemoglobin is at a nine. I literally can’t go lower without dying. I was sent to the ER for an emergency iron shot and today I’m going to start iron infusions. The doc will want a colonoscopy and I’m gonna put my pale whit foot down. I’ve had TWO for the same reason and they are always fine. I need a fucking doctor to DOCTOR. Look beyond the horse hooves, that’s where you’ll find me, the unicorn. I literally can’t absorb iron. Why? We’ve checked for cancers before. We will check again , but with a blood test, if the blood test is bad then we can talk about a GD colonoscopy again but do your fucking job and figure out why I’ve been anemic since I was at least 16 years old. Today it’s to the point that I’m stupid. Like my brain has locked up and I can’t think of basic words, chest pains, fainting, muscle cramps, hair breaking off and or falling out, pale as the driven snow, anxiety, sores in my mouth, high blood sugar, you name it, I’ve got it and I’m literally dying. I don’t have enough oxygen in my blood to do anything but help my lungs, heart and brain and my brain is quickly going down the tubes. I can’t breathe!!! I’m two seconds away from a heart attack and it scares the living shit out of me. Please don’t let it suddenly be a cancer. My mental health is on the brink. My health health is on its last leg. And iron infusions suck!!!!! But, better that than fucking brain dead or a heart attack. 

And!! The YM is now on the list of children who won’t speak to us. Not surprising as she spends all her free Time with the OM. I’m…… I don’t even know what the word would be. 

Josh spent a week with the siblings in New Mexico. We expected him to come back and move in with one of them. We really did. It’s just a matter of time. He’s too attached to YM to not leave with her. 

Holidays are going to be rough. 

I hope all bears are as good as can be. I grieved the loss of my dad by binging Shark Tank for three months. Now I watch football three times a week and tell his ashes what’s going on. I’m weird though but my point is, whatever it takes to get you through is what you do. Period. 

Gotta go.

I’ve got friends in low places,

Tracy

Thinking about you

 My mind has been flashing back to my time at Cinola. Good, bad….. The people in the movie of our lives. Main characters for a short time. The four years I spent there were by far the most integral part of forming my view of …. Well, everything. The role that that place and those people played In my life still plays out today. 

Having a memorial I think of all the people from my time there and the spirits of those who have passed that sat in those stools and tables. Ellie, Archie, Cheryl, Maria, Pam, Dave the jukebox guy! Rob and Robbie, Larry and Susan and yes, even Jim Star. motorcycle Bob and Amber Jewel. The community that helped me when I had to bring Jo-ry to work with me, the video game money he was given, rides on tractors…My cars being fixed for a case of beer. The tingle when you walked through the door. 

Your mom created a community closer than any church community. My eyes were opened to the decency and true love from great people who sat on a bar stool and not a church pew. 

Those are things that never leave you. Your mother’s legacy. 

I hope that you find peace in that. Her spirit is all around you and so many people over 40 years. So many of them there to greet her upon her arrival. 

Look at the moon. I am there. 

Tracy

I’m so sorry

 The loss of a parent is an indescribable hole in heart of a child. No matter that age of the child. Sending my love and hoping for your peace. 

Turns out that my last post was bad timing. I didn’t know about your loss at the time. I’m sorry.

Me

Long time no see….

 Between life in general, stuff going on with my kids, and working on my 31 days videos, my ass has been kicked.

In the interest of being transparent, I have not been well.

We didn’t get to go on our vacation to New Orleans because my YM was in a car accident. We stayed to deal with that and with that came an avalanche of drama with our children. It’s been extremely difficult. My YM is fine now. But being exposed to the other children is literally abusive. I handle it well in the moment but afterwards my heart just explodes. The loss of betrayal is very similar to a death except death has an ending and a start to healing. This is a perpetual emotional and mental abuse. The om and oldest son are in my ym’s ear. She, as I’ve said a million times, is the light in my life. The warm breeze. The sunflower and the warm fuzzies. Suffice it to say, her siblings are pounding her to chose them, to support their abuse of me and their dad and I honestly feel her slipping away. She doesn’t want them to be mad at her. Parents are disposable. We’ll be dead long before her siblings. What will her support system look like then? She doesn’t want to be the new us. And she will be. So will Josh but they give him less pressure. He’s the baby. They still mostly treat him as invisible. But if YM goes, so will he. And he should. She’s his comfort blanket. The two are extremely close. And it is coming and it is coming soon. The writing is in the wall. YM has said things to us that mimic her siblings. It’s shocking. It’s not “her.” I can hear her siblings like she’s reading their memo. 

I’m struggling, my husband is struggling. I’m drowning.

My next post won’t be so bleak, I promise.

Thanks for the pics :-)

Who you gonna call?

Tracy

I’m sorry!!

 I’m trying to get a post out. I’m just very busy with regular life and recording and editing 31 videos. 

So much to talk about though…. ASAP!

I’ll get you my pretty,

Tracy

Friday.

 I haven’t been wanting to post. Really, there’s a couple of reasons, one, I used this and my other blog to document raising my kids and my life and all the weirdness and my kids are adults. I’ve had this blog for 21 years. That’s a good long time to be dedicated to something and I’m not sure that I want to keep it up. I’ll say goodbye before I stop, if I stop, so that ya’ll aren’t ghosted 

Fun fact, can’t seem to post anything that isn’t depressing as fuck. 

We didn’t get to go away for our vacation. My YM was in a car accident. We stayed to deal with that. She’s fine. But the week was hell. Why? Because my grown ass children are…. Well, let’s just say that I fucking hate that my kid’s generation grew up is such a PC narcissistic cancel culture. Say that something they did was, say, hurtful, and the response is something like “ Those are your feelings. They do not reflect my intention therefore I WILL NOT apologize for something that you internalized as hurtful…. By the way, I’m short on my rent, can you give me some money, because it’s your JOB as my parent to ensure my bills are paid for, my car insurance is paid for, my cell phone is paid for…. But, do not think that your role goes any further than your JOB as my parent, because I’m a fucking adult” that basically runs down how our week with the YM went as she demanded, and I do mean demanded, that we not only fix the car ( remember when that car was mine but she NEEDED it to get to work or the store and she didn’t want to bring it back every time. Ya, that car) and expressly told us how many days we have to get 

Post coming soon.

Flying Cockroach? No thank you.

 I’m going to be bust

in’ my butt this week. I’m trying to do 2-3 videos PER DAY to place in queue for my 31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN. Going from zero to 100. I need to get a jump on it as we’ll be on vacation after this week until the beginning of October. Probably not going to post many pics on Instagram, if any. I want to feel “present” which is hard to do through the lense of a camera.

It’s beginning to cool off. Highs in the low 90’s and upper 80’s, that’s how I know I’m acclimated, no, THIS is how I know I’m acclimated… Last night josh went out onto the balcony at around 2am. I went out there with him for a second ( until I realized that our lit balcony was bringin’ all the bugs to the yard,) but it was probably mid 70’s and I said “it’s actually cold out here!” That’s not normal, people. 

It was a good thing that I came in though because just after I sat down inside I hear him yelling, through my voice canceling headphones, and see him ripping his shirt off and hitting agains out balcony furniture.

Did I go out to see what was wrong?

There’s a limited amount of options that it could be considering we’re up high and any of the possibilities I could think of were not things that I wanted to meet. So, no. The kid is 21 yrs old, man, it’s every man for themselves time!

So he comes in and takes his hair out of the band and starts SHAKING his head like three feet from me. I didn’t want to meet it outside, I sure as fuck don’t want to meet it inside, so it’s then that I say”Stop! What the hell is happening? STOP shaking your hair!!!!!”

He tells me that a THREE INCH FLYING COCKROACH landed on his shoulder and crawled into his long sleeve shirt and he wants to make sure that there isn’t one in his hair. No, my child, not in here! Take that shit out into the hallway! He then asks me to inspect his hair. If you’ve seen pictures of my child then you know he has long super tight curly hair. ( he got hit with all my creole genes) and as the loving supportive mother I am I …. Did NOT DO THAT.

Ok, eventually I did, I poked around his massive amount of uncontrollable curls and that my friends, is how I know that my oldest two can kick rocks, I’m a damn good mother. 

As a side note, as long as I’ve lived here I’ve never seen the often spoken of demon flying cockroaches. I went to look outside after the drama and it wasn’t there. I’m good with never seeing one. And this is from someone who lost their shit in a very public place Sunday because a cricket landed on me.  

Go ahead, make my day

Tracy

Monday

 We went to a Fleetwood Mac cover band concert on our island. I took a ton of pics and videos. I wore a long, floor length yellow dress, my gorgeous sandals with painted leather flowers, a belt and big jewelry that sounded like I was the lead horse pulling a Christmas sleigh. Oh, and a hat. It wasn’t “ too hot” about 90 degrees, but I stripped everything off but the dress and the jewelry. Pulled up the dress up the my thighs and felt very 70’s indeed!! Barefoot dancing in a park. 

Peaceful. 

But! I had a 32 ounce coffee and couldn’t stop talking until 2am which was when it was kindly suggested that I put my noise canceling Air Pods in and watch something calming. My husband doesn’t wear a cape but he was a hero. Poor guy.  I watched a True Crime doc, obviously.

Sunday was the anniversary of my mother’s death. My brain is so conflicted. Anyway, it’s been TWENTY FOUR YEARS! That means that I could have been born and lived my whole life again including meeting my husband !! WTF! That’s crazy!! 

She died the day after 9/9/99. Most people probably don’t remember but that was the day the whole Y2K shit was supposed to start. It was going to freak the computers out. We were glued to the tv. We took the girls to the hospital after their gymnastics class ( om was 4 and YM was 18 months. Om kept jumping around in her leotard, putting her hands in the air and yelling  “ Big Finish!” She was cute back then… Sometimes. My mom was all excited to hear if the world had stopped even a little. Nope. 

Then she died and my world stopped. 

ANYWAY!!!

It’s going to be rainy and into the 80’s this week. Thank the Lord! Fuck me. I was at my breaking point!! 

We have our lease to re-sign….. Will we? Not sure yet. I do love it here.

Living on a Prayer, 

Tracy

Today….

 Isn’t that Miley song good? I love it!! 

My youngest child isn’t a baby anymore. He turned 21 on Friday so we did the whole “ Birthday WEEKEND” with him. He had his literal first drink. He doesn’t drink I have given him a sip now and then , which he never likes, he got a Pina Colada , which really was strong! And he didn’t really like it. I had a vodka/cranberry/splash of 7-up and then like 1/2 of his drink. That’s more alcohol than I’ve had in the past year. Hit me in like two seconds. I asked Josh if he could feel anything and he said no but a few minutes later he asked what it was supposed to feel like so I answered “ like you’re slow” “ yup! I feel slow!” He responded.

The VAST IMMEASURABLE difference between his 21st and MY 21st……. I had the exact same conversation with someone about how I was supposed to feel and slow was NOT the answer. I ran up and down the hotel hallway and felt as alive and clear and as shiny as I ever had . Bonus, every nerve in my body was jumping like electricity. A single touch felt like a deeply profound connection that found its way to the part that registers pleasure and unlocked insecurities and fear. It was “alive” is supposed to feel like.

So glad that I didn’t miss out on that.  

And moving on…..

I am struggling HARD with depression. It’s a bare buckle fight sometimes. It’s frustrating because I wait all year for exactly this time of year. I love this time of year, as everyone knows by now, but the depression isn’t up to me. Calm waters, floating along with a warm breeze, full moon, the smell of calm and lazy and peaceful then…Giant waves thrashing about tossing my thoughts around and against a cold concrete wall. Thunder that deafens me and dulls my senses and pulls me down, down, down until I can’t catch a breath, struggling wildly to reach out and grab something, anything to steady myself….. I even made a YouTube video to explain that I just can’t right now. I don’t have the capacity at the moment.

I’m doing a lot of self care. Art, candles, body butters, lotions, scents, reading, music…Just trying to ride it out… I always do…. 

Other stuff is gonna have to wait until next time. Maybe a q&a?

Football starts tomorrow so it’s that time of year that I get to spend “ with” my dad. Can not believe I’m into football. Hell hath frozen over!!

May the force be with you,

Tracy

I USED TO BE YOUNG

 

I Used To Be Young

 

Hola!

It’s so fucking hot that I don’t want to leave my home. But, for the sake of my mental health I did and I bought Halloween decorations. That’s how things work in my brain.

The YM spent the weekend here and it was so nice. She’s delightful AND so intelligent and up to speed on politics and religion and Capitalism and what not. I’m telling you, this generation will change the world. They have been exposed to all religions, all nationalities, all types of people of all genders and all races. They know empathy. They recognize gaslighting. They have strong voices and they use them. She’s lovely. 

I ventured into trying gummies again and ended up waking up my husband and asking him to call an ambulance. Why? Because I was sure that I had severe brain damage or was possibly in a coma. He was adamant that we NOT call an ambulance and that I was neither in a coma nor brain damaged. He had me lay down and in the middle of me truly believing that I was actually in a hospital bed somewhere on life support imagining all of that I asked him “ are you going to let me die so that you get custody of the kids?” And I laughed until tears were streaming down my face. His answer “ I’d rather walk you around dead like Bernie before I took custody of the older ones” I couldn’t stop laughing until I fell asleep…. Or went back into my coma.

THC is not for me. I’ve gotten high twice, with the same person, and those were the ONLY times it hasn’t gone south. Left to my own devices I’m a hot mess.

Bought a cute necklace 😊 I’ll try and post a pic below.

Living on a prayer,

Tracy

He’s BAAAAACK!

 Who’s back you’re asking yourself, well, give me a second and I’ll tell you…. Sit down. Hold onto something that comforts you because this is a real nightmare…….

My AMAZON DRIVER!! 

He’d been “ gone” for a few weeks I guess and my packages were being left AT MY DOOR, people! My fucking door! In the community room in the coded package lockers? No… This new driver walked them in, got into the elevator, pressed my floor, and walked up to my door, which by the way is in a type of decor transition…I have a Christmas wreath up for CHRISTMAS IN JULY…. I have a “ Welcome summer” sign, a sign that has “ Welcome Home” which comes with different magnets to honor the holiday or season and I had just put the pumpkin in, and a large sign for Halloween, welcoming all witches….Obviously.  Oh! And my son wears these god awful shoe things that he got from his best friend… they are fish and those sit on my welcome mat that has welcome on one side and goodbye on the other, we face the goodbye towards anyone stepping up to my door…..And he came up here probably four times… once with a 50lb dog food bag! 10/10 would recommend!! Love the new driver…

I can only imagine the report back that my old driver got. I know there was definitely some discussion over my mental health….

So, he’s back….. my orders have been “ lost” twice. My gelcap vitamins were left under the blazing sun and melted into a huge ball of B12. My body butter and hand soap orders were “ rejected by receiver.” 

Now you’re thinking… Jesus Christ on Toast! Try walking into a store why don’t ya. Because it’s 110 degrees out, Kathy, mind your own business!

The dilemma here is…. Do I call Amazon about this? I feel like he’s upping his game and as crazy as my entry area looks like I am… He left for three weeks and is again coming for me…. See, you do have to admire his tenacity, right? But I can’t be trying to pry a vitamin b12 capsule out of a rock solid ball of vitamins, can I ? No! I can hold a grudge like my oxygen depends on it! What we need here is for me to establish dominance or I’m just a week ass punk who’s gonna get screwed by all the other Amazon Drivers too! 

I must be brave and go into battle. As you have heard 5000 times, my name means warrior! It does not mean “Scared of evil Amazon guy.” 

Wish me luck.

Nice pic, Bear, looks like Mexico to me! Keep ‘em up, it’s so nice to see a bears face.

Desperately Seeking Susan,

Tracy

AUGUST

 August is my favorite month of the year. It’s the month  that expectations can run their highest. There’s no holiday pressure and your football team hasn’t lost a game yet, but, you can call it nearly fall if you want and we’ve started seeing the leaves barely changing color. October is when the countdown hits hard and I don’t like it. It’s like knowing that the drugs are only gonna last until they’re gone and December is the month that feeling of panic takes over for me. I can’t just enjoy the high/anticipation/holidays because my brain is set on “ it’s going too fast and then it will be over and I’ll be in the season of depression again…”

This is how my brain works. What a freak. 

So even though it’s almost fall we skipped the concert at the green last week and this weekend because as we were exiting the elevator Saturday around 7:30 pm we got face punched by the heat… 107 degrees. 

I literally started to get back in the elevator when JD suggested we go out to dinner instead and I needed to go in a Sephora run so we did that instead. Ah, A/C, you magnificent black magic, you. 

The om’s baby had open heart surgery last week. I struggled mightily with panic attacks. Sometimes the things locked in the box slither out like pipe smoke and slowly encircle the part of my soul that tries to stand tall against the enemy like steel Christmas nutcrackers and they bend under the pressure as the smoke turns into boa constrictors, tightening their grip and there’s nothing that I can do but feel them bend and twist and snap. My body shakes uncontrollably. The white noise in my head gets too loud and I can’t make myself think of anything else but the pain of the crushing sensation. 

I went into “ emergency mode” and bought Tommy Chong gummies ( they’re legal in Texas) to take the edge off. I took four, waiting two hours until I couldn’t understand Moana anymore and put in my AirPods, turned up my music and floated away. It helped for several hours and my soul rested just enough…. 

That’s how it goes. Music, I love how you can travel through time and even feel and smell the sensations associated with certain songs or artists. 

Thanks to a bear for the drone shot. Keep the pics coming. I miss a bear. 

Gotta go. 

Chicks can’t hold their smoke,

Tracy 

Uh Oh….

I think I may have gotten my Amazon driver fired….

Here’s the story, so we’re in a locked building because there are literally thousands of people who come to the island to shop and eat and all the other things available.

So that there aren’t people in and out of the living spaces it’s locked and we have a fob. 

So, this Amazon delivery dude got into his lazy feelings and rather than enter the building and walk the 30 feet to the electronic package lockers, he leaves the large air cleaner and filters OUTSIDE. He took a pic of them and when I saw the picture I couldn’t even nail down the exact spot where it was so I sent my bat signal to our community FB page and I had several answers in under two minutes!

The husband booked it to the location and they were there ( miracle) but had been opened ( obviously) too bulky to carry with your Sephora bag I guess. 

So…. I left a review for him that was less than praise and guess what this fucker did????

I’d gotten a bunch of Prime Day stuff and this dude would send a notification that he was two stops away and then he wouldn’t deliver my items OR he would say he tried but wasn’t able to…. Walk into the building and into to package lockers that YOU have a pass and codes for?

I called Amazon and told them what he was doing. Oh, Mr Amazon guy, nice try … he’s been “ disciplined” and I do have to say, as irritating as it was, I admire the man’s level of pettiness. That’s some dedication right there. We’d probably be besties in actual life. I did get a good laugh out of it and asked that he just be spoken to but, oops. 

We went to a “concert” at the “green” on our little island. Lots of people come from the surrounding areas so it’s not just those of us that live here, anyway I didn’t check what the music was supposed to be before we went, sat along the creek in a blanket with our 32oz Dutch Brothers coffee ( keep this in mind… I don’t drink caffeine) it was a “funk” band, 4 singers, a drummer, to guitars and a three freaking brass players!! I danced for two straight hours, fueled by caffeine and the amazing feeling that concerts make, you’re all at the same party and it’s soothing. I had told my husband that I needed to go somewhere and scream my heart out, but instead going to this concert, singing at the top of my lungs, me and a bunch of sassy black ladies waving our hands in the air like we just did not care…. It was what my soul needed. I pulled Josh up to dance with me, thinking that he wouldn’t, but he did and we laughed so much. My husband is so white that he literally can not hear rhythm, so I know better than to put him through that. God, I had the best time.

As a side note, if you’re anxious, it’s scientifically proven that raising your arms above your head calms you and resets your vagus nerve. Our basic instinct tells us that raising your arms is a celebratory/ victory pose and releases endorphins. The more you know….

Gotta run…. Oh! I am super late to this party but I just accidentally discovered Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton and my God, it’s the kind of song perfect for having had a few drinks, having your hand slowly held and led to the dance floor, being held close, connecting, being the only two people in the world…I just closed my eyes and imagined it… can not get enough. 

Night my very own luvs,

Tracy

I’m bilingual! Plus Robb…plus something HUGE!!

I’ve had Covid. AGAIN. I love being immunocompromised…

So, I can understand Spanish much better than I can speak it. I can pick out enough words to understand what’s being said but I’m not good with the noun before adjective way of speaking it. My husband is fluent in Spanish. 

We went to pick up painting supplies and the brand I usually get wasn’t in stock so I needed to ask about it. The only employee working the floor only spoke Spanish so my husband had the conversation with her and she said that she needed to go ask someone. 

After  she walked away my husband decided that he was going to go look in a different section and said I should wait there in case she came back. I told him that it wouldn’t do me any good to be there as I’m not the one who speaks Spanish. He wandered off and sure enough she comes back. So I… Wing it…

I told her to “ please wait a moment” and that “ I don’t speak Spanish” and that “ I need to get my husband” then I literally called his name out loud. He came right away and did the rest but I also couldn’t find the fine glitter that I needed for a wintery painting and he didn’t know the word for glitter, because, why would he? So he asked her, she cocked her head, looked at him like he was an idiot and replied “ uh, GLITTER” 🤣 so if you ever need to ask about glitter in Spanish… it’s called glitter….

My point though is I bragged to anyone who would listen, like I am now, that I basically had a conversation in Spanish and I’m super smart…..

Let’s unpack Robb real quick…

I don’t let people in…. Well, except strangers on the inter web tubes, in life a “ friend” will know NOTHING too personal about me. They will know NOTHING that can be thrown in my face or used against me, used to hurt me in any way. The fence it 100 ft tall, electric and has three feet of barbed wire on top. 

The last person who knew all the things about me was Cheryl and she NEVER broke that trust. We held each other’s feelings, secrets, regrets, pain, the darkest of things, the thrilling quiet things.  The world crushing, life altering things that could be used against us. I never ever worried that she’d betray me. That bitch would have buried a dead body for me and I’d have driven her getaway car at the drop of a hat. That is not only rare it’s virtually impossible to find.

Robb knows a lot. But not all, there will never be any life altering, world crushing secrets. But most everything else we talk about. Deep deeply personal conversations, embarrassing and hurtful things, the “This is how to hurt me” type conversations where you open up your heart and tell about the worst betrayals. 

Something that my Cruella Deville of a daughter in law does is take her rage, lies, narcissistic, most hateful shit to the internet to attack people. Whether that’s been me or making fun of the Om’s Tourette’s or my youngest son feeling profoundly depressed when Covid hit and my dad passed. She’s a real piece of work.Robb knows this about her and how I feel about it…

So, Robb and I were talking and I made a smart ass remark. Believe me, it happens between us all the time. Both of us. Not truly hurtful things but like he’ll call me an idiot sometimes but not in a serious way, that would never be tolerated, so you have to understand that it’s just silly little pokes. Well, he was, apparently, having a bad day and took what I said and STRETCHED IT into a completely different thing and then…… Made a TIK TOK  taking a swipe at me, by name even, to hurt me, intentionally. It’s the intention that really blew my mind. I mean, I called him and told him to fuck straight off a cliff and I’m sure that there wasn’t a person near him that didn’t hear it.  I was so HURT and felt so BETRAYED and SICK that I fucked up by giving him the insight to know to do that to me. 

Eventually he apologized. We talk but I’ve cut it down by a lot! No more every day. No more secrets, no more trust. I’m sure, very sure, that he feels it’s all fine. I act like it’s all fine but I can never trust him again. It will never be the same on my end. That’s too bad too. He fucked up hard. I will hold your secrets and take them to my death if it’s returned. I’m the guy you want in the trench beside you. I will fight for you. 

Now, not so much. He threw away something worth so much more than money and he doesn’t even know.

Finally, I took a 23andme test years ago, which is how I eventually die my mother’s bio family. Every once in awhile I get a notification that a relative has been found. It’s always a 2nd or 3rd cousin. I decided a long time ago that I don’t want to be involved with my mother’s family so I never contact anyone and I don’t answer messages…… Two days ago I got a notice and for some reason I felt compelled to go look….. there was a person added onto my family tree….. I was told that it’s my , sit down for this, MOTHER.

My MOTHER.

What the fuck? Her first name is Karen and it shows her last name too, connected to me as my mother and to the oldest son as his grandmother.

Like, my jaw dropped. My sister in law, married to my half brother, my father is his father, is really into genealogy. I sent her the tree at around 11 pm. She called me at 3am to say that she couldn’t sleep because she was investigating this mystery for me! Could it be possible that your mom, like kidnapped you? I don’t think so…. What if your mom had an identical twin? Maybe? I can’t really say. Could her and your father have adopted you? Uh, I don’t think so, I saw pics of her pregnant, but were they of her pregnancy with my brother? I can’t remember. So very much blocked out and she NEVER talked about her life…. 

The idea that I could have a different mother is kind of exciting, not gonna lie and wouldn’t that sort of explain her complete disassociation from abusing me? She told me that she couldn’t love me… Is this why?

And is this not THE MOST ME THING EVER?!

Mystery. 

To a bear. Glad to get another picture. You look good. 

Me

Post coming.

 This girl’s been rocking some COVID… Again.

Anyway, I’ve started a post that will include unpacking Robb.. Finally. Wee! 

Brb

Me

FIRE!!

 Saturday morning I’d been asleep for about 90 minutes when I was awakened by a smell. Now, I take Ambien to sleep AND the PTSD med when I go to bed so for me to wake up after 90 minutes you have to understand that it has to be something earth shattering, I mean, I can sleep through tornado sirens, landscapers, car alarms….. And I sat straight up!!! 

First my brain tries to process wtf is happening. Is my husband awake? No. My son? Nope. It’s the smell. What In God’s name is that smell? It’s so strong and… Bitter… Rubber? Plastic? ELECTRICAL FIRE?!!

Now, my brain is still in slow gear but even in slow gear I’m not an idiot…. I reach over to my husband and shake him… “ J, I think there’s a fire” How would you like to be woken up by that? And in a fairly calm voice too, because, well, Ambien.

He gets into high gear immediately which was good because my brain said “ Cool. I can go back to sleep now. He’s got this”

And he did. He was running around unplugging everything that could be plugged in and then I hear the youngest come out and ask what that SMELL is. My husband keeps running from room to room with a fire extinguisher and it’s really making it hard to sleep. 

With no fans going it sounds unusually quiet in the house but my drugged up brain puts two and two together because even on my worst days I’m a fucking genius, a two semester psychiatrist after all, so I call out…” J! It’s the A/C! It’s not on. There must be a wire on fire!”  And then I can go back to sleep because I solved it and he’s located the burning wires and insulation. Thank God, Ambien thinks… this is really irritating and smells so fucking bad….

I don’t know if you know this but if you ever tell the on call maintenance guy that you have an electrical fire they come in seconds. My husband told me later that the guy tried to turn on the blown fuse and started the fire again while also getting a good old electrical jolt that turned the poor guy gray as clay. 

Now, you gotta know that of course this happened during a long three day weekend so we can’t get the parts to fix it and it’s in the “ Feels like 120 degrees” time of year so we have two MASSIVE portable A/C units in our LIVING ROOM. 

Never underestimate me, that’s really the point of all this.

Happy 4th of July!

Long Weekends…

 I love a good long weekend. 

So, let’s be transparent, whatcha think?

This and that….

 I have a new granddaughter. Will-ow Par-ker. The name was chosen from the movie of the same name, Willow and that’s ok, I actually like Willow but to show the maturity of my son and his wife who dress alike in Disney clothes and have a Disney outfit for every single holiday no matter how trivial plus are AVID superhero movie fans… The middle name is after Spider Man’s Peter Parker. I am literally face palming myself.

And for those that are curious, no, my son has not told us nor will he. My YM tells us these things.

This birth is not bothering me nearly as much as the OM’s . Jo-ry taught me long ago how to let go of him.  It’s so much easier the second time. 

The OM will be coming to my home Sunday. She’ll be dropping the youngest off as he’s going to the Falls to spend time with YM and meet the Om’s baby. Then a week later she’ll be here again to pick up the YM after she flies in from a trip to California. My stomach feels very twisty about that, she’ll be outside in view of us for the first time in about 2 years. Makes me shake thinking about it. 

New animals on the island? Yes! First my husband has ran into and over two cottonmouth’s this week. Love me a good deadly snake…… It looks like the Nutria have been… Uh, let’s say, re-homed, because they aren’t here anymore BUT!! They’re remodeling the “green” area on the island which is surrounded by shops and restaurants, the stream flows through it, picnic blankets are a requirement and bands play outside every week of every month when it’s not too cold or too hot. It’s next to a huge treehouse so lots of families, anyway, the new owners are changing things up a bit and it’s made the bunnies scatter. That’s brought vultures up to about three ft in height who are sitting on our balconies. Ya, between that and the massive owls it feels a little like the Hunger Games when walking outside with a pet! I’ll try and put a pic down below of one of the smaller ones. 

It’s dangerous in the Southern states. In Washington my biggest problem was sometimes finding a black widow. It’s crazy how used you can get to dangerous weather and animals. 

We’re going to a wedding Sunday. My dress is so pretty!! I’ll try and out a pic of that below too. I bought a white sun hat with a blue ribbon around the head to go with it.  So cute! 

For some reason my brother in law was in Casa Grande, where we lived in Arizona and he went to our old house. He sent us a picture, hey! Maybe I’ll put that below too! But if you’ve seen one brown house you’ve seen them all, am I right?

I’m so stressed about that missing submarine. My God. It combines my fears of deep water and suffocating and for good measure claustrophobia! I’m panicking for those people. 

Thank you to a bear for a great picture 😚

Luvs, me 

Pics below :

Monday

 Middle of June and not “too” hot yet. This makes me happy! On the other hand we’ve had several nights of tornado warnings which include tonight. We must get out of June! 

Last night I was painting when the sirens went off. I must officially live in Texas because I wiped my hands off, picked up my phone, chose a radar app and became a meteorologist. Nope, just gonna miss us. I continued to paint.

We live on the border of three other cities, Plano, Frisco and McKinney so we get alerts for all four cities. I always check though. There’s a LOT of glass in our living room so we’d definitely need to get into the hallway by our elevator. That portion is reinforced with steel and concrete and zero glass. 

It’s fun. 

Had a great weekend. Never left the island and did some shopping went to our coffee shop and then across the path to Mexican food for dinner. It sprinkled just a tiny bit. I wore a black empire waist shirt with puffy sleeves, my new jeans that I picked up from J. Crew, straight leg, light denim wash, cargo style pockets on the kegs, my new sandals that I got for Mother’s Day, a chunky pink necklace, chunky black ring, pink bucket hat. I was super cute. Got several compliments on my outfit and my YOU perfume. There was a band playing 70’s-89’s rock in front of our British pub. Lots of kids and visitors shopping. Happy. Saw the.most.beautiful cranberry red Corvette. I had to stop myself from reaching out and touching her. My heart skipped a beat. 

I really don’t feel like unpacking Robb. Yes, we’re “fine” now. Probably feels totally normal to him. I’ll try to next time I post. 

To be honest, I’m doggy paddling in life at the moment. Just want to be in the moment and do my art, play my music, dance and look up at the sun letting it warm me through my body. Candles burning, fairy lights lit. Reading books, Fuzzy socks and Land’s End PJs. Hot coffee ( decaf), listening to the thunder. I bought some lilacs, my favorite flower and scent. Takes me back in time. Calms my soul. Just back float. 

To the bear, no pics again? 

Goodnight luvs!

Tracy

Sunday

Monday

 Why no pictures, Bear. 

My husband took our dog to the creek which feeds the bayou and she likes to lay down in the water. First part of June, my Dudes, and a fucking water moccasin was in the water already. First, I thought they only swam in lakes and oceans? Did he lose his way out of the bayou? And do you even know how fucked up that would have made me? Ya, you do,, think back to my Louisiana bayou experience and you’ll know that white noise would have taken over my brain and I would have been running like Forrest Gump on crack. That is the kind of situation that my fight, flight or freeze goes into flight. My husband…. Walked the dog the other way, you know, towards the bayou….. He says it’s safe in the daylight because all the things are nocturnal… Um, water moccasin…. Daylight. 

It’s fun here. 

OUCH!

 I had to have a minor surgery two weekends ago, Sunday actually, I’m not gonna get neck deep into details but I do think I can officially be crowned the queen of broken fingers… also, I’ve broken a lot of toes and my nose twice and my tail bone. 

But fingers are my nemesis. Growing up like Tom Sawyer lends to a lot of injuries and I was raised that unless you could see a bone sticking out or it changed the shape of whatever you broke, you kinda live with it. 

I’ve broken fingers by talking with my hands too close to a brick wall. Dropping furniture, falling off bikes, softball, in fact the story of how my husband and I started dating stars me breaking a finger bringing the ball into the glove. How romantic.

I’ve had my nose broken twice, one by tripping into a steel door and one because I was being bullied in junior high. 

Junior High was fun.

My point being, I tried to ignore this break. I buddy taped it. I took 800mg of Ibuprofen every eight hours and I spent Friday and Saturday this sickly gray color. I was in so much pain I would have rather given birth to all four of my offspring at the same time than feel that pain. So, I went to the hospital and they took x-rays and said that I’d splintered the bone rather than just a break. 

After my little surgery I “whisper yelled” to my husband that I was, and I quote “ High as FUCK!” THREE times. It was a nice little mental vacation.

I’m binging Succession because I just canceled HBO MAX. There’s just nothing I like about it but then I palm slapped myself because I need to finish this last season. I found a way to get a “trial” week of MAX so I’m plowing through. I’m gonna miss Roman. He’s basically the voice in my head. 

I know I still owe a Robb update but, I’ve been too lazy. I just don’t want to unpack it but, for those on pins and needles, I will.

Night luvs,

Me

I’ve been debating this post….

     

I just don’t know but if helps anyone at all then I feel like I should share.

I’ve been a reader of a blog for about 20 years. The writer is a woman, author, artist, Photographer, mama to two children and when I started to read her she wasn’t a mom yet. 

We became friends. Blogging was new. I didn’t know how to do everything and I asked her for help.

When she had her children she was struck by debilitating postpartum depression and she went to visit “ The Ranch” “ Sticky sock vacation” and from then on she struggled hard. Infant hood was difficult, toddlers were difficult, preteens difficult…. You get the idea. She went through a divorce after her husband found her hanging in the basement. She was given an HGTV show but couldn’t do it. Medications didn’t work. Therapy didn’t work. She’d sit in her closet crying calling her own Mama to come mama her. She tried everything, including self medicating.

She felt weak and broken but every week thousands of readers followed her journey and she was my friend.

She wrote a book about her taking part in an experimental treatment so dangerous that she had to sign away her life, literally. She was forced deeper down than a coma, brain dead, then brought back to life. She pushed through those treatments. Her parents by her side, her mother her biggest cheerleader. They attended every “ death session.” Fed her, cradled her and as they are devout,  Mormons( she was not…. At All) they prayed for her. 

She had two children to live for, after all. 

The book was so deep and beautifully written that I asked my husband to read it so that he could understand what depression feels like as she wrote about in a way that I could not seem to myself. Wrote how we are needing support, not for people to try and fix us which is my husband’s go to mode. “ let’s go on more walks! See a movie! Shop at Target, meet with people for dinner!” No, God damnit! Those sound excruciating! Don’t try and fix it. Let me cry. Let me sob and hate my brain and the abuse that caused my brain to be my stupid brain and why can’t I just feel normal?!?! Mother Fuck!!!!!!  And nod. Hold my hand. Look into my eyes and by letting me flush it out, I can help me. Just sit there as I do. Then let’s hit Target!

The media knew her as Dooce. I knew her as Hea-ther B Arm-strong..ALWAYS add the B!!

She died a couple of weeks ago. Announced on Instagram, Twitter, and the NATIONAL NEWS! She’d touched millions of women. We watched her struggle and get back up and continue the circle until finally, she killed herself. She was the hardest fighter I’d ever known. My heart sank. God, if someone who fights as hard and as long as Heather has can’t fight anymore then where is the hope?

The world has lost something that should have moved it off its axis. Yet, it didn’t. It never does. It just goes on,  sadder, lonelier, harder….. But someday her family will laugh again and then someday her family will talk about her and laugh again and her children will have lives and be happy and find love and somewhere she will be watching.

Tracy

Vaycay

 We made reservations at our favorite French Quarter hotel for the end of September for our 30th anniversary. We had intended to go to Boston but don’t want to risk flight Eff ups nor do I want to be inches from breathers, you know, strangers that breathe. I’m not a fan. Covid fucked that up for me along with blowing out birthday candles. I will never eat a cake after the candles/cake have been sprayed with spit bombs. 

Anyway…. We’re going a month earlier than our actual anniversary to try and avoid a hurricane. Isn’t it awesome living on this side of the country? Always a surprise just around the corner.

We’ll be there for about a week which is the longest we’ve ever stayed. I booked a swamp tour to see alligators and if you have a good memory you know that the last time I was in a swamp I completely lost my grip and ran away with my Ray Bans flying off into the dark waters never to be seen again. This time we won’t be walking, we’ll be in a boat and I’m gonna drink a few shots before heading out. Good plan. We’re gonna tour the Tabasco factory and go to museums, including the pharmacy museum! My husband says they don’t hand out samples so I’ll have to take my own, I guess. Art exhibits! Amazing food!!! Haunted hotel! Beignets!!! 

Whispy drapes blowing into our room, the smell of the city, the sounds of Jazz, the feeling the place gives me deep into my dna. Soft, warm, peace, love, calm. I just want to bathe in the atmosphere of NOLA, come home with my brain, heart and soul recharged. 

Even the planning lightens my deepest places hidden in the dark so I don’t see them. 

I wish I could send that feeling to anyone who is sad. 

Speaking of sad, I put a photo on Instagram. We’d just been in a store and walked passed the baby girl clothes. I sucked it up and only ran my finger down one fluffy pink dress before putting that sharp stabbing pain into its box.

Today my husband saw the picture and walked up to me, not knowing that he had seen it, and kissed my forehead. I asked what that was for and he said your eyes are sad in that photo you took. Maybe it all doesn’t fit into the box sometimes. 

Me.

Wait…What?

 I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday. I’ve been able to drop three meds and am taking almost no insulin. I researched vitamins that support the pancreas since mine had taken early retirement and it’s kicked back in a little already. Go Pancreas! 

Anyway, because I’m, as my doc says “ A delicate flower” I’ve been seeing her ever single month for 14 months!!! I know, right? Like, pay for dinner once in awhile. But, the time has finally come…. She says I can go every three or six months, up to me! I was like, are you sure you can afford that? You just built a new building, how will you pay for that if I’m not seeing you every 3-4 weeks? Will you be ok emotionally? Should we go to therapy? We chose three months because I really think she needs a little weening off period. 

So, I have POTS, thanks Covid, you little bitch, and it affects my heart and it’s why I’m a fainting girl now. It’s so chic, so exciting to never know when you’ll be waking up on the ground. I love it. But guess what? It qualifies me for a…. Disabled parking thingy. 

Yes, THAT made me feel old as fuck! But like, I still have to walk once I get in, right? So…. ? Anyway, we got it and you have never seen anyone as excited over a disabled parking space as me! It is my true mission in life to get the best, closest, most VIP parking space at all the places! Like, I am THAT competitive, ok, no judging! This is like a dream come true for me. Front door service? Can we throw in some bottle service as well? No, nobody will do that, but I do get to grin deep inside while the voice in my brain yells “I Win!!” To anyone past five spaces away from the door. Ya, I have never said that I’m not petty.

The husband took me shopping after the doc appointment for Mother’s Day, that one special day of the year where two of my offspring flip me off with their searing silence. It’s awesome! Anyway, I picked out a couple of outfits AND I have drooled over this particular brand of shoes for YEARS. They are quirky, leather and hand painted, they have boots, shoes, sandals and I want every single one. Like I actually go visit them on their website and have for like three, four years? They are stunning and like I said, quirky, as in you probably won’t have to worry that you and 10 other women are wearing the same shoe at an event. I’ve never bought them because I was always a jeans and t-shirt girl and never thought that they would fit the look…. But, since I have literally thrown out all my old clothes, bought new everything, yes, jeans too and T-shirts but dresses and COLOR… I know that I can fit these in and even on a jeans day, roll the cuff up a tiny little roll and show some spark! Not that I don’t express my quirks, cus I do, but these are amazing! The husband bought me a pair and I’m swooning! As in, I really want to place them on my pillow and snuggle them. It does not take much to make me happy! 

I have a Robb update but I’ll save it for next time. I need to go watch some true crime documentary to calm me down before bed.

Don’t judge.

Night luvs oh, and to a bear, nice pic. 

Tracy

The Adventure

 The news is giving me anxiety so let’s do something else…

The time someone might have attempted to kidnap me in the weirdest way possible….

When I was four we moved into this brand new apartment building, smelled like wood…. Anyway, it butted up to a field on, I “ think” Nevada??? Or Hamilton after it changes???? I have a difficult time remembering those streets I used to know like the back of my hand. 

Anyway, I was allowed to cross the busy street by myself to get candy from what was or was next to a building supply store. I could take my two year old brother too, just look both ways, you know, good parenting.

I’ve written about this place before. I had a best friend whose name was Doug. We were adventurers. Remember we made and found arrow heads and the district school  bus station was in front of the apartments and it had real clay just under the surface. My uncle worked there. We rode bikes everywhere. We’d stay up all night during slumber parties and wait for the coyotes to come out then we’d watch Saturday morning cartoons and go out to hunt them… They were, obviously, gone by then and doubtfully afraid of two four year olds with homemade arrowheads, anyway.

So one day, like magic, like the Wizard of Oz, a hot air balloon landed in the field between our apartments and the street. Of course Doug and I were fascinated by OZ showing up and all so we went to check it out. It was loud with huge bursts of air and gas and stunning in every single way. The man, who was old, to us, and rather looked like OZ asked if we wanted a ride, of course we did! Plus we were basically wild animals anyway, no need to get permission from the adults who also just happened to live with us, parents some called them. So he gets out and heaves us in and we take off! I can only see through tiny holes in the basket but, I mean, it was super high to four year olds and then I could even see the top of the apartments which is when, over the loud noises and  happy squeals I hear a woman losing her mind. She’s screaming at the top of her voice… what’s she saying?

Tracy!!! Tracy,God  Damn it! Get down. 

That was pretty hard for me to do considering it was impossible but she yelled at me anyway until the nice man from OZ lowered us down. My mom was both happy and furious. She grabbed me and Doug, I felt so bad for him having to end our adventure on this sour note and all, then she turned her attention to the man who gently began to fly away.

See, my mom apparently had a line in the sand. Go anywhere you want EXCEPT into a hot air balloon. That’s where I found my limit. Simple enough I thought as air balloons rarely drop from the sky I imagined.

It was a good adventure and after we’d had to be confined to our homes for the next day we talked about it often. 

Tracy

Shooting

 I live over a mall, there, I said it. Just a few blocks from me is another mall, in Allen, Texas. Yesterday my husband stopped by to surprise me with some bath products I was needing. Family owned business, they make my sugar scrub or my balm while we’re standing there if the scent we want is sold out. Super great trial giveaways. They just stand at the door and you can take one on your way by or in. 

My husband got off work early, ran in and got my products. Today people were killed in there. Murdered by an active shooter. The news says one shooter but many witnesses say they saw another take off his tactical gear and jump over a fence. Police crawling all over where I live searching. Nine people dead including the fucking fuck who decided to take a weapon to a mall on a Saturday and now people down. 7 more injured, the ages range from 5-61 years old. Word we are getting is multiple children shot but, it’s hard to get the info as it changes so fast.

Last Saturday my husband and son were there getting the son some pants. Both times my husband was there were the exact same times as these shootings happened.

My husband conceal carries a gun. I hate it. Today I decided that I’d rather he have a fighting chance than be a fish in a barrel. 

We are all fish in a barrel these days. No safe places, not schools, not theaters, not grocery stores, not malls, not churches… Fish waiting for the day we are in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s not the guns by the way, it’s the people and FUCK THAT SHIT! If Republicans actually believed that we’d have mental health care funded and free not shut down and struggling to stay open. Fuck you, Texas. Fuck you Abbott, you worthless twat. Fuck your Ted Cruz you traitorous asshole. Fuck you voters who care about the fetus but not the five year old! Pro-Life bullshit!

Ya, I’m fucking mad. Remove books!!! More guns more better! Really? Where were all those tough guys with guns in TEXAS when the shooter was killing people? These brave patriots who talk about civil war and how they’re gonna blow shit up. Fuck you! Were you running away? Hiding in a supply closet? Crying like a bitch? 

Australia has put a travel warning up about the US for violence and terrorism. Ya think?? 

Greatest country in the world, please. Take an actual educated look at this place, last in nearly everything and do something real to make America Great because your red hat isn’t cutting it, Bitch.

Here’s the Thing About Robb…

 I’m the most loyal friend you’ll ever have. My ONE requirement, at the risk of sounding like trump, gah, is that you MUST be loyal. By this I mean, you will not talk shit about me behind my back and if you hear someone talking shit about me you will feel and respond as if they just punched YOU. You don’t blame my child for being a victim of something life changing, you don’t blurt out some petty shit from five years ago that you’ve been holding a grudge over. No grudge holding. Spit it out then and there. That gives us a chance to work through it. For me to be called on it in the moment so that I can hear you and understand how that comment or action hurt you. I’m open to hearing it if you remember that we are friends while you’re addressing it. Don’t talk down to me or take a dig at a personal sore spot, use something I’ve told you against me.  I let very very very few people into my heart. It sounds like I’m a dick if I say that if I’ve let you in, you’re lucky, but what I mean is that you’ve gained a friend that will defend you 24/7, listen without judge, be furious on your behalf if your hurt, protect your heart with all of mine. Sit on your side of the courtroom when no one else will. Stand at your door and send them away with a warning. Fight your battles when you can’t.  I am the friend you want in the trenches. 

And what I ask in return is that you are all of those things for me. Be honest, call me on my shit, tease me, tell me your opinion, to.my. face. And I’ll respect that, listen and hear you. I can laugh at myself and my quirks if it’s funny rather than passive aggressive. I tell everybody including my family that they can say anything as long as it’s funny and not a camouflaged punch. 

If you are a very very rare dear friend and you betray the “rules,” hurt me intentionally and call it a joke, like a weak chicken shit. Punch below the belt and pull the rug out from underneath my feet, we are done. I’ve walked away from close family, you can’t think I can’t walk away? You think I won’t walk away?  No, Sir. It’s my heart. It switches off and builds a wall up faster than you can say “ Would you fancy some tea?” Locked down. One time in my entire life where that changed and my heart opened back up. And you are not them.

Could we ever be friends again? Maybe, but I’ll never put my heart in your hands again. There will never be a secret again. There will always be just that little shadow in the corner that’s my hurt reminding me that you won’t be trusted again. We could talk and laugh and you will think it’s the same but I’ll know that it’s not. And it’s not important to me for you to see the little shadow or hear the slightest of changes in my voice or notice the distance or feel the difference, because I don’t care.

And that my friends is exactly where Robb and I stand today. It’s really just a matter of time, anyway. My son said they all people will eventually let you down and that is probably true, but all people aren’t let into our tiny little heart. 

Tracy 

Friday Night

 Saw my psychiatrist on Monday, needed to see how the increase in the amnesia meds was going….I told him that I didn’t ever want to see the doc that I saw back in January again and told him about the coping skills comment. I take pride in telling you that this was my second time to make a psychiatrist sit there with their mouth open.

I win.

I’m OBSESSED with jumpsuits that are cotton or linen with wide legs. I have FOUR of the now! Grayish blue, olive green, burnt orange and the equivalent of burnt purple if that’s a color, I don’t know what else to call it. They are cute in the winter with a light sweater underneath or a t-shirt and a cropped button sweater or in the spring with a T-shirt, summer I can wear a tank or sports bra. They feel like I’m wearing pj’s and that’s a good thing!! Plus I can pair them with cute hats or caps and funky jewelry!

I got a new Jo Malone perfume, I swear, retail fills the cracks in my shell! It’s ridiculous, but my husband bought it so it doesn’t count, right? Anyway, it’s Wild Bluebell and I’m in love! Do you know that all Jo Malone scents are made so that they can be layered to make your own signature scent? I like to add a bit of the orange blossom to the Marigold one. Lovely AND all JM scents are unisex. I really like that! 

I’m gonna do something that I’ve always wanted but have literally been to afraid to go through with. I’m getting a freckle nose piercing ( it’s the smallest size so it’s just a sparkly spot on the nostril. I loathe the septum piercing. I am not a bill, thanks…. The reason I’ve been afraid is because you must use a piercer and it looks awful! Both my girls had theirs done at 14 and were much braver than me…. But!!! You can now get it done with a gun, no dude pushing a needle through, and I’ve done that before so, I’m doing it!!!! I’m excited and also there’s a part of me that asks… Do you even know how old you are? Yes! Which is why I need to be and dress and smell and do the things that only bring me joy. 

Gotta run…. Broke up with Robb…. Talk about it next time. People are the worst type of thing.

Tracy

The Ranch…My Adventures

 I once went for a Grippy Sock vacation for 30 days. I call it “The Ranch” because it sounds less nutter. I’d tried to unalive myself and to the disappointment of many, I couldn’t even do that right.

Now, The Ranch is actually not a bad place. Free meals, free snacks, free medication at regular intervals, free arts and crafts and free bowling and trips to a thing called Pig Out in the Park…. Free chaperones too, all with varying medical degrees. Free counseling three times a day, one being a required group therapy. We once got on the topic of how fun doing cocaine is. Our counselor, who doubled as my personal support/ therapy human, didn’t stop the conversation. That seemed odd, doesn’t that seem odd? Maybe he was just glad that people were laughing rather than tying their shoelaces into a rope. 

We were literally allowed to go anywhere in the hospital that we wanted. Unsupervised. Seems like excellent care. Wanna smoke on the 10th floor balcony with all your new depressed friends? Sure! What could possibly go wrong there? My emotional support counselor would play ping pong with me for hours. It got me relaxed around him. I could talk to him, he was a safe place…. He once asked me what it felt like to be high on cocaine…. I mean, it was the very early 90’s so the 80’s hadn’t quite worn off yet…. 

I was placed on Xanax FOUR times per day. The thing about Xanax, and cocaine for that matter, is that your brain gets used to the current dose and needs a larger dose to feel the same as it had on the lower dose. The beauty of the Devil’s Little Pill is that it stops your brain from making its own feel good chemicals and send it on a vacation telling it that it’s fine, we’re fine, everything is fine…..Right up until the day that dose doesn’t cut it anymore. So, four times per day, an hour, then an hour and a half  before your next dose your brain is driving like an engine with no oil. And it hurts. So, maybe you add a shot of whiskey to lube it up a bit. It works at first and before you know it, your life is watching the clock so you can get that chemical your brain stopped making. 

I went to my doctor and said “ Get me off this shit.. Now”

This was not a psychiatrist. This was my PRIMARY care provider. Old as dirt. Delivered my oldest son, delivered the man with whom I got pregnant with when I was 18. 

This doctor who had performed surgery on me and delivered my child and prescribed this God forsaken medication for me after I left the ranch told me that he wasn’t qualified to ween me off and what was that other thing????? oh ya, I could die if I abruptly stopped, probably seize then maybe be brain dead…. Kind of like that engine with no oil! Fantastic!!

Then I had to be admitted to a hospital so that a qualified doctor could ween me which takes…Several weeks, around the clock supervision. 

My advice is…. NEVER EVER take Xanax. NEVER.

And, maybe try and avoid a grippy sock vacay too. Turns out… It’s not free!

Tracy

Post

 Have you ever listened to Post Malone being interviewed or on a ghost hunting show or on Good Mythical Morning? He’s such a sweet soul. So gentle and kind and genuine. He looks like you’d not want to be seen with him or meet him in a back alley but it’s not him at all. Yes, Ma’am, No, Sir, when he responds. His belly laugh. He brings me joy and apparently joy comes in some different packages, you know? The thing that makes him most endearing is that he has no clue that he’s a bright light. He struggles with self esteem and depression. I could just pinch those cheeks!

This is my new favorite song of his. Don’t judge a book by its cover is a really good lesson to keep in mind. 

It’s a rollercoaster

 My new granddaughter has a very rare birth defect in her heart and will be having open heart surgery.

No, her mother didn’t tell us about it, my YM did.

I asked YM to tell her that she could call us, we’d leave all the shit out of it and just be there to support them. 

She said no.

I think I did the right thing and feel good about that.

I felt the shift when YM told me she’d said no. 

At my last doctors appt I found out that I have an organ that is barely functioning. My doc told me that extreme stress can cause this organ to not be able to function which is causing my blood sugar to be difficult to control. 

I can not let this woman cause me that much stress anymore. I’m gonna talk with my psychiatrist on Monday, get my amnesia med upped and if I have to use prescription drugs to be able to become indifferent, then I’ll do that. 

Sometimes coping skills come in the form of an RX. That’s ok too…..oh, and a hot fudge sundae. 

Let’s lighten this place up next time I’m here!!

For a bear… I could use a jackhammer right now. What a fantastic way to get out your aggressions!! I was thinking bat against tree but beating the heck out of some concrete seems more fun!

Night luvs!

Me

Some stuff

 So, I’ve waited to tell this story until I could sit with it and also not start bawling. 

A couple weeks ago when Miya called us to tell us that Madison was admitted to the hospital with pre-eclampsia and was going to be induced ( keep in mind that I’d only just found at that she was even pregnant) my body had a mind of its own suddenly and I was violently shaking and throwing up. It felt like the pain was forcing it’s way out.

My husband talked me into leaving the house and going to Target ( LoL the happy place!) and as we’re in the wide isle where the check outs are I suddenly see a large man walking towards me and JD with a purpose on his face and it was jolting. Then he stopped and asked Jd if he could pray for me. He said that God had called him into the store to pray for someone and as soon as he saw me God told him that it was me. 

Jd said he didn’t mind if I didn’t mind so I said yes, I mean, if there was ever a day where I could use a prayer, that was the day, he put his arm around my shoulder and held my hand and prayed for me and the really shocking part was that he prayed for my heart, emotions, pain and rejection. Prayed that God would use him to show me that I am big in God’s eyes, worthy and loved. 

I was speechless. I couldn’t even tell him that this timing was amazing. 

We turned away for just a second and he was gone. 

It really helped me, which might seem weird to most, but it is what I needed when I needed it.

We went to a baby shower yesterday. It’s for a baby girl. I didn’t have any anxiety over it in fact I spent what I would have spent on my granddaughter on this new baby. Might as well spoil someone else’s baby!

BUT! The interesting part is that the mom is Hispanic and the dad, who is one of my husband’s partners is white. The shower was full on Hispanic. How do you know the difference?

1) the women dress in one could call a dress but looks more like a child’s t-shirt stretched down to barely, or not, cover the ass cheeks, oh, and it’s either rubber and bright in color or… Well, ya, that’s about it. I kid you not, I saw some “cats” peeking out.

2) the music is mariachi and so loud you have to yell to talk

3) the food. Even chicken Mole made by the Tias. The white people at our table couldn’t eat it because it was too spicy 🌶️ 

4) the game prizes are bottles of Don Julio Rosado… Because it’s pink, so, duh. 

5) there’s an open bar so it’s game on. 

It was fun though and the cake was the best I’ve ever tasted! But that could have been my two vodka cranberries:-) I’m not gonna pass up a free bar either, I’m Scottish/Irish!! 

Oh, and get this, the Dad is going on 62 years old and the mom is 26. Did that not just make your brain zap? Being a new parent at 62 would be my nightmare!! They are in love though and that’s what is most important. 

And to a bear, No pics in a very long time. What’s up? 

Tracy

Ok, Here We Go…

 The concert that effected many moving pieces of my world for, literally, years….

The beginning…

The Black Crows at the Spokane Opera House:

For some reason my friend Heather’s dad picked up the tickets for me and Heather. I can not remember why as the normal protocol for concerts was pooling our money and giving it to Green-land as he was the concierge at what was the Cavanaugh’s Inn at the Park, and he’d grab them at 7am when they went on sale or the backup was if he was too busy he’d call me and I’d run down there, get the money and by them for everyone, but for this concert only Heather and I, from our inner core of friends, could go so…. Not clear on the purchase situation… Anyway, he accidentally bought three tickets instead of two.

Ok, that was the first link in the chain that would take my life in a different direction and change my relationship with my extended family for YEARS, I mean, to this very day!

So, Heather and I go to the movies. After Green-land and Derwood ( Darrin) moved out Heather would eventually become my roommate… At the movies we accidentally sit very close to my cousin and her husband. He was a super outgoing man child. He got my attention and we started talking. He asked if I’d heard that The Black Crows were coming to town, one thing led to the next, Heather said we had and extra ticket, he asks if he can buy it, ok fine, like I didn’t really know him well. He was going to school to be a pastor ( ironic in the end) and my cousin, whom I’d been SO CLOSE to growing up couldn’t be dirtied by a two bit Whore who’d been pregnant at 16. She’d always always been this morally superior, controlling, brat, but, what can I say, we were 9 months apart in age and we had each other. Now, this was the second link in the chain that was gonna blow shit up. What I didn’t know at the time is that they had been having marital problems from the get go. She sat there and smiled about the concert thing but it started something brewing that I had NO CLUE about.

Everyone who was going which also included my brother who had invited this guy I’d met once and went on one date with and didn’t care for at all ( I married him), and several other people had agreed to meet at Cavanaugh’s to pre game! 

The cousin’s husband who I’ll call G, called me the day of the concert and asked if I could give him a ride. I said sure, didn’t know that this was because cousin wouldn’t “Let” him use their car. We decided to pre pre game! I learned a LOT about him and my cousin that night and that should have told me to take him back home, hindsight!

We all meet at Cavanaugh‘s to have drinks. I’m not talking at all to the guy I don’t like. We eat dinner, G plays around with a little girl seated next to us, for some reason that pissed off that guy( my future husband) and I couldn’t have cared less what he thought. He was bitching and ruining my buzz, acting like I should reign in this adult man whom I barely know, because he’s related to me by marriage. It wasn’t going well. We all just kinda ignored them both and pretty soon the group of us began to walk to the venue.

My future husband was seated in the balcony, the rest of us on the floor. We took him up to the balcony in the elevator and when the door opened I said “ Get along little doggie” and he got pissed. I was baffled by the reaction because, what was offensive exactly? Some drunk chick says some rando saying and you act like I just kicked your dog? Blow me.

We go to our seats on the floor. We were very very close to the stage, big, HUGE, mistake! I put my purse under my chair. When the Black Crows came out a human wave pushed me up to the edge of the stage. Perfect, I’m in the mosh pit, the Black Crows have a mosh pit? Wtf? I lose track of my purse and my brother. Everyone was really helpful in looking for my purse while being pushed around. It was gone. I was freaking out. We all got separated from each other so I’m alone, in a mosh pit and the band is so fucking high on heroine that they can’t function. They couldn’t play the instruments, the songs were nonsensical, the tune was waaaaay off and I’m being shoved like I’m in the breakers in the ocean. I know that if I go down, I’m dead. I’ll be stomped on and ignored and my head was pounding. Drunk me was NOT prepared for a mosh pit, sober me would not have been prepared for a mosh pit. They played for about 30 minutes, thank God, before they decided that they were too high to continue. People were pissed. The angry wave piled out of the Opera House and I was still alone. This guy that would always hang out at that restaurant/bar I had worked at comes rushing up to me… “ Hi, Tracy!!!! This is fucked up, right?! Cool! How are you?” And my brain was fried, like the very last thing I needed was a flash from the past and a conversation!

Finally we all find each other, except for my brother. We waited for awhile and decided to head back up to the bar. When we walk in there’s my brother, WITH MY PURSE, he’d left when the pushing started. 

I needed a couple drinks for sure!

The aftermath of that one concert was that all my female cousins stopped speaking to me and told my aunt that my cousin’s husband was the father of OM, whom I gave birth to 12 months after I got married to that jerky guy at the concert :-) He was having an OFF day and got a really bad vibe off of G…. He was right. He and my cousin were divorced a few years later. Must have been bad because she’s almost 56 and never dated since! Still don’t talk to my cousins. Weird. Very weird. That concert was some strange stuff.

Word to the wise, never go to a Black Crows concert, I took the hit on this one for you guys. 

Tracy

Post coming tomorrow…

 Worst concert ever.

Wednesday…

 How’s it going?

I’m actually doing pretty well. I had a little bit of a breakdown last week for like 10 minutes. I was spiraling, like, I could not pull myself together. Felt like my atoms were flying into the air and spinning around me. My brain could not be reigned in. I laid in bed, my husband squeezed me tight from behind and for someone who can not have her back touched it did something to my brain. Like reeled it in and I began sobbing like a baby. Loud ugly cry sobbing for about five minutes and it was over. I was done. I felt the pressure that had built up in my heart and mind and body leave.  I said… “What’s for dinner?” And I’ve been really good since. I can put things in a box. I haven’t asked the YM to show me a picture of the baby because I don’t want to see her. I need her to stay somewhere out there unattached to me. I can’t know her in the slightest. I can’t lose another grand baby and if I don’t see her, she’s not mine. I know, sounds a little childish but if it works then fuck it. 

Oddly, something Jo-sh said made me start to snap out of it. I said “If she doesn’t want to burn this bridge completely….” And he said “ Mom, she does. She did. You NEED to see that it’s gone” I HEARD that. FELT THAT, had my little breakdown and I’m glad that he was that blunt with me. I need blunt. I don’t like the grey area of emotions. It’s what I needed to hear. 

I have fucking coping skills, damn it!

I’m a fucking warrior, for fucks sake!

I get knocked down but I get up again, you are never gonna keep me down….. 

You get the idea, plus, bonus, a song stuck in your head! 

The point is, I’m doing ok. I’m brave. I’m strong. 

Night loves!!

Tracy

AND SO….

 I have a new granddaughter, Lillian Delilah. 

Jo-sh and Mi-ya were told not to tell me.

Something that Christians like to say is that the Bible says that God won’t give you more than you can bare.

That is not true.

Night luvs,

Me

How do I do this?

Today my husband and I were getting ready to go out when I got a phone call from my YM as my youngest came running into my bedroom ( I think they learned a certain kind of lesson about how keeping someone else’s secrets can bite YOU in the ass) to tell me that the OM has pre-eclampsia and was admitted to the hospital to begin an induction.

I was doing my makeup listening to music. I held it together for a few minutes until my body and neurological system betrayed me and I started shaking, full body, and my heart rate shot up to 167 so I got an alert on my watch. I begged myself to not cry! I was a mess. 

I pulled my shit together and we went out. I had to run to Target. A different day that’s not this day I’m going to tell you this crazy story about how this gentle giant of a man walked over to me and my husband and what happened. It was so crazy, in a good way. I’m sitting with it to myself right now.

Irony, is the song above was what I was listening to when YM called to tell me the news. For some reason I can’t get the video to go down here.

Night

Me

Sorry.. It’s taken a bit longer…

 I’m going to list what I’m listening to while I write this because, why not?

1) Praying: Kesha

2) Beth :Kiss

3) Walk Away: Lany 

4) One More Light : Linkin Park

5) The Night We Met : Lord Huron

6)Happier: Marshmello & Bastille

7)Bang : Ryan Caraveo

8)Too Good At Goodbyes : Sam Smith

9) Someone You Loved : Lewis Capaldi

10) Stutter : Narrowhaven

11)  I Hope ( Featuring Charlie Perth) Gabby Barrett

First I hope your birthday was lovely. When did we get this old? Here’s my birthday wishes for you this year

1) you have someone who makes you laugh

2) something amazing moves you to tears

3) You find the beauty in something you’ve passed by and never noticed

4) you give yourself credit when you deserve it

5) You’re humble when you need to be

6) You feel your bravest self

7) you show charity to someone without telling anyone else.

8)You feel that you are loved deeply

Next!!! LIV GOLF And my opinionated opinion! Yass, Baby!

So, the timing is good because I’ve been reading about them over the last few months and I watched the Golf Documentary on Netflix “ Full Swing” ( I’m telling you, I Watch everything!) And seeing how the PGA players feel about LIV just solidified my own feelings which land strongly on the NOPE side of the fence.

First, most of what the PGA players are feeling has to do with history and tradition and amazingly, the disgust over players being bought to “ Trade sides.” I get that but I’m also pissed that this is Saudi Backed. The same country that was responsible for 9/11. How are we just welcoming them here? The same country known for its horrific treatment of women and girls. How do we turn a blind eye to that? Or how they murdered a journalist from American by DISMEMBERING HIM WHILE HE WAS ALIVE. That’s a NOPE from me. Here’s something that says it better than me from The New York Times:

One of LIV Golf’s biggest signings, Mickelson, provoked outrage in February when he praised the series as a “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity” even as he called Saudi Arabia’s record on human rights “horrible” and used an expletive to describe the country’s leaders as “scary.” The project’s main architect, the former player Greg Norman, made things worse a few weeks later when he dismissed Saudi Arabia’s murder and dismemberment of the journalist Jamal Khashoggi by saying, “Look, we’ve all made mistakes.”

So there ya go. I actually can feel strongly about things that seem weird but it’s the morality, or lack of it, that gets me riled up. You know me, I’m the “right the wrongs” person 😉

Nothing personal, just my 2 cents. 

Tomorrow is the 3rd Anniversary of my dad passing. I need to talk to him so badly about this situation with my kids. I miss him immensely. 

Luv,

Me

Ok, Let’s Go……

 First, before I dig into LIV GOLF, here’s my birthday wishes for you:

1) For you to dance like no one is watching

2) for you to have someone who makes you laugh

3)

OH!!!

 I have OPINIONS on LIV Golf! Do I have any business having opinions on something in which I have zero dogs in the race, yes, yes I do! That’s the funnest part about me!

I don’t have time right now but, tomorrow! Buckle up, Buttercups!

Ps: Happy Birthday, Bear. I’ll address that tomorrow well.

❤️

It’s my party…

 I can cry if I want. Or not.

Today is my 55th birthday. I was watching a tik tok the other day and this guy my age asked “ Is Gen X the only generation to ever be shocked by their own age?” I think so.

 I think we are a different breed.

 We aren’t the women who put ourselves out to pasture at 40, have the same hairstyle from cradle to grave, settle into being invisible to society and men, wear invisible plain, monochrome clothes with no sass,  that make us blend into the crowd. Most of us aren’t any way. Thank God that’s not me. I’m sassy as fuuuuck! I also stopped coloring my hair four years ago. So freeing! My friend Heather never colored hers and it’s gorgeous. I’d never seen my mother without her hair colored so I didn’t know what to expect and what I got is stunning!! Nearly black hair with two so beautiful shocks of pure white at my temples. It looks like it’s on purpose. It’s gorgeous and I always do styles that draw attention to the contrast and those strips of white. At 55 I have NO WRINKLES yet! Not even my eyes. That’s some good genes, staying out of the sun and moisturizing, Baby!! 

It’s flying by. Life. High high’s and the lowest of lows. Makes you who you are. Makes you a kind person or a gentle person or an empathetic person. Or it can make you angry and selfish and unkind. I hope it’s made me empathetic and brave and while I can break off and on I can still put myself back together and ride at dawn to right the wrongs! 

Now, excuse me while I go sign up for AARP because I’m sure as hell not gonna turn down discounts! But I’m gonna look fine while doing so.

Me

Claustrophobia!

 We finally got a negative Covid test on Friday and by Friday night I was telling my husband that I had to get out of the house! I either needed to eat my feelings or buy stuff to fill that hole!

Shopping it was! Although I did get a piece of cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. That will be cut into thirds though. I can’t eat a whole or even a half a piece at one time…

Anyway, it’s been a minute since I bought a new bag and there’s a soap/scrub/oils/balms store that make their products right in the store so you can watch them and I needed a few things. We went there first and met a lovely couple and the wife talked my ear off. She was taking things off the shelves and handing them to me saying that those were here must haves! I told the man working there that he should hire her! She was telling us that their 30th anniversary was coming up this year and I told her that our was as well ( turns out they’re nearly the same day) she immediately asked me “ So where will you be going?” Like it’s a requirement. We told her our plans and she told us that they are going to Washington State as part of their trip( going by train.) I’ve done that before and it’s great.

Anyway, after that long story, I was on the hunt for a new bag. Nothing stood out to me and then we went to Tory Burch. First of all, this is not racist, it’s an observation, nearly everyone in there was Chinese, customers I mean, second I had two women literally take bags out of my hands! They were all walking around with multiple bags to choose one but they didn’t want anyone else to take them first! 

I don’t know if you know this or not but im not only shy and introverted but im a honey badger if you grab a bag from my hand. No, sweetheart, that’s not how it works, thank you, I’ll take that back, let’s try nicely first. That women was kicked out :-) im really in no frame of mind to be amongst rude ass people. 

To shorten this up. I bought the bag. It’s nearly my birthday so let’s call it a birthday gift! I love her.

I’ve been getting a lot of questions and comments about my children. I won’t be addressing them any time soon.

Oh! Had a really nice dinner at one of our Favorite Mexican restaurants. Yummy!!! 

One more thing… we walked into Tory Burch and this snobby gay guy with an iPad looks me over from literally top ( I was wearing a hat) to bottom and then looks me in the eyes and just simply said with the flick of a wrist “ Cute.” Made my whole day! 

Gotta run… Covid has tried THREE times to kick my ass. Guess what? I’m the HBIC here, honey :-)

Me

Still have Covid

 And so does my husband but so far I’m ok. Fever, mild temperature, banging headache, sore everywhere, a little low blood oxygen, sleeping like a fairytale princess. So far, it looks like I’ll survive. My husband is doing the same…. Which brings me to this.

I got some news yesterday. Stumbled upon it while confirming my oldest son’s address. I’m sending birthday gifts to my grandson. His birthday is on the 18th. Two days after mine.

It’s killing me. Shattering my shell. Piece by piece it’s floating away into the dark water surrounding my ears now. Weighing me down as I’m grasping desperately to find the warrior.

My son and his wife have a baby registry online. A baby girl due July 11th. I didn’t know. I verified it with my YM who always knows all the secret things. She called later, crying, to tell me that OM is pregnant with a baby girl… Due NEXT MONTH. 

Struggling to stave off being swallowed by the black water. Thinking.. wishing that the Covid would do its god forsaken job. I’m tired. It’s more than I can bare. I need to find the warrior. This won’t fit in a box. It’s just too much. 

Imagine your children being your abuser… it’s nearly unimaginable.

Bye.

Tracy